My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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