My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
