just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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