My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
