we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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