my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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