these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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