She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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