I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
