Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
