Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
