I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
