I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
