Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
