There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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