I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
