Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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