They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
