An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
