you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
