when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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