nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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