i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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