Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just pee around me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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