so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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