shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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