Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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