His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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