Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
