just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
