She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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