Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
