I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
