Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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