I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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