I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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