I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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