ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
