And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
