He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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