I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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