I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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