toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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