:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
