Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How's work?
Spinning.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
