i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
