I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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