I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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