ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
there's paper in my vomit.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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