I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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