Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
