just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
